A gentleman wrote to me recently, saying he was disappointed to read that I fantasise about previous sex sessions (ie – other men) during self pleasure. Although he liked the idea of sharing his wife with other man, he said he’d be devastated if his wife was having sexual fantasies about them. Once back home with him, her body and mind should be on him and only him. Hmmm…
I’m going to jump straight into an analogy here: I love my home town. It’s a wonderful place to live and provides me with a lot of excitement and joy. To be honest, while I do travel a lot, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. The coffee is great and there are some kick-ass cocktail bars. By and large, my home town offers me everything I desire and I count myself lucky to be based where I am.
Occasionally however, my mind wanders off to when I had that delectable degustation in Singapore or when I stumbled upon a cool small bar in Glenelg. When I get a foot massage, I recall that blissful hour of reflexology I enjoyed in Hong Kong during a stopover. On my balcony on a balmy summer’s night, I can’t help but imagine myself back in a villa in Bali, listening to some Café del Mar tunes.
Terrible isn’t it? If I love my home town so much, why do I need to imagine myself back at Potato Head? It’s OK to have fun while I’m away but as soon as I get home I shouldn’t think about it again right? How dare I mentally plan trips to Istanbul or have flashbacks to that cute country town whose name I’ve long forgotten but whose clifftop views still take my breath away in my mind? Right?
Sexual fantasies shouldn’t necessarily be seen as an escape from reality. They aren’t a negative byproduct of being unfulfilled by our real life. Some of us, such as myself, live an awesome reality that for many other people are a fantasy in itself. I am absolutely grateful for that and for having a life partner that supports and enjoys the non-normative sex life we have. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have naughty thoughts about the new barista at the local cafe.
Sexual fantasies are a way for me to explore some themes and ideas that I might not have the time, means or confidence to turn into reality. There are certainly some sex acts that I wouldn’t dream of playing out with real people but I find it a turn on to think about them. I’m not hugely bisexual these days but I do enjoy imagining being with a sexually assertive woman who makes me eat her slippery, wet pussy out. Just got wet thinking about that!
There’s also nothing wrong with filling a void through fantasy. Your partner can only be or do so much after all. For example, I don’t want a Sub/Dom relationship with my husband so I use sexual fantasies to explore some submissive scenarios. Also, my husband isn’t a fan of gym-obsessed guys with lots of of tattoos whereas I have always found them super sexy. My brain’s solution is for me to lie back and think about six of them taking turns fucking me on a sit-up bench.
You might ask if I’m perhaps denying myself by not acting out the things my mind must actually want to enact in reality but I don’t see it that way at all. I don’t absolutely need to experience being gangbanged by a team of BBC in real life but it’s sure fun imagining it. I think sexual fantasies help to keep the mind open to experiences overall. If anything, it’s healthy to express some inner desires through the mind, and certainly to keep it in there if it’s not an appropriate fantasy.
After all, your son’s tennis coach doesn’t need to know what that imaginary rope is for…