It took one hashtag to get the world to talk about consent in a meaningful way. The overall message got a little sidetracked with the inevitable hype that comes with celebrity involvement but for most part it’s great that consensual sex is being properly defined. With the various lifestyles and practices that exist in our current sexual sphere, it’s important to be ever mindful of consent. It matters regardless of how you engage in sex.
A reader asked me to advise on consent and safety where Hotwifing is concerned, and I can’t think of more apt topics to cover on my blog in light of the growing interest in this lifestyle. It’s vital for me to cover all aspects of being a Hotwife, not just the fun moments. Like when you end up in a room with three hot Bulls and a giant tube of lube… But I digress.
I don’t feel Hotwifing is that different to casual dating for singles as far as consent and safety are concerned. You all want to have a good time, so as long as everyone is on the same page about the Dos and Don’ts, things aren’t likely to go pear-shaped. If anything, Hotwifing is free of agenda so no one has to play their cards ‘right’ to get laid. There’s really no reason to be anything but honest.
Personal safety deserves an entire post of its own so I’ll cover that another time. Much of what will be covered in this post crosses over to aspects of safety so please do read both.
Here are some instances where consent can get muddied in the Hotwifing world:
Alcohol and Drugs
At the risk of sounding judgmental, I don’t understand for the life of me why some people need to get blind drunk or high as a kite to have a good time sexually. If you impair your judgment enough to not be able to legally drive, then are you really capable of giving consent? If both Vixen and Stag insist on getting wasted then the Bull should be advised of that intention, especially if he’s new to the lifestyle. He has the right to back out if having coherent consent is his preference (and it should be).
I personally believe that either the Vixen or the Stag should remain sober to ensure nothing untoward happens. Needless to say, I don’t think any sober couple will entertain a Bull who is off his chops, but do consider if he has the capacity to consent too. Being pegged might have been fun the night before, but as the morning coffee sobers him up, he may recall it as assault. The last thing you want is the police on your doorstep right?
If you are a solo-flying Vixen then I really, really must implore you to remain sober, especially if you have not met your date before. I would only consider getting super tanked on Prosecco and playing on my own if my husband and I both trusted the Bull. To be honest, the sort of Bull that earns our trust would more than likely drive me home or put me to bed rather than risk being accused of taking advantage of a situation. Besides, I’m at my best when I’m sober 👍🏼
I am actually not a great communicator at times, especially when trying to organise play dates, but I am very black and white about what I will or will not do sexually. Consent is often times assumed and that’s where dates can go wrong. With Hotwifing, because the end goal is to have sex, it’s easy to not factor in consent. When a date involves flirting, suggestive chat and the above-mentioned alcohol, it’s easy to assume your date won’t mind a hand on their thigh. Until they slap your hand away.
I do feel for both guys and girls who get mixed signals during a date and become confused as to what the other party is down for. We all get that you need a clear ‘Yes’ for any sort of sexual act but how about that hand on the thigh, or that spontaneous kiss while you’re waiting to get served at the bar? I’d like to think most of us have got both common sense and a sexual vibe metre built in, but it pays to be on the safe side these days and keep your hands and lips to yourself initially.
The best thing to do is decide how far you want to go, and make sure you relay that to your date. A Hotwife should also let her Stag know what her intentions are. If all you want is to have a coffee to meet a new guy, then there’s probably no need for any physical contact. You can save that for a second date when it’s clear you want to take things further. No doubt if you hit it off well there will be numerous text messages to say you both definitely consent to some hot sex. ASAP.
Now I personally love a guy moving in for a kiss after a date but I also like it when guys ask for permission. Hello Grey Area! Hopefully no one will jump down my throat but for a Hotwifing date, if at the end of the night you’ve both had a great time and agreed that playing should happen next time, then I am not going to get offended by a surprise kiss or grab of my ass. What will offend me is being badgered to come back home with him when I have clearly said that sex isn’t on the cards.
So be clear about what you do or don’t want to do on a date and stick to your guns. That’s the least you can do for the other party who just wants to respect your limits. If you want to increase your limit during the date (and we’ve all been there!) then make that clearly known too (“Mmm… I’d really like to know what your lips feel like on mine..” kinda thing). Mutual respect and clear communication is all that’s needed.
Safe Sex and Sexual Preferences
Once you’ve decided that you’re all DTF, then the next step is to make sure you clearly indicate what you are or aren’t into sexually. If safe sex matters very much to you, then you need to tell your play friend. Hotwifing is not the place for being shy, or polite, or having to make compromises. Fucking men other than your husband means being in control of your sexuality and therefore safe sex practices.
Do not leave the discussion of safe sex until penetration is imminent. Sadly some guys will hope that you’re so horny that you won’t make him put a condom on. Even more sadly, a few will assume you’ll enjoy the first stroke enough to forget about the rubber. This is non-consensual sex and a man who deliberately tries to get out of wearing a condom in this way should be called out on it, if not have his balls punched in.
Some single men are so used to not using condoms these days that they genuinely may not think it’s needed. Experienced Bulls are much better with safe sex requirements but regardless, it’s just as much your responsibility to make it very, very clearly understood that you want safe sex. Some Hotwifing couples enjoy cream pies by Bulls but that needs to be clarified as well. Not all single guys are down for that.
Just as your safe sex requirements need to be made known, so too do your list of things you won’t do sexually. If you absolutely do not do anal sex, but your potential playmate has made numerous mentions about how much he loves it, you need to tell him that your backdoor is off-limites, probably before you even meet for a coffee date. The same thing goes for kissing, pegging, double penetration, being filmed, fisting and so on. What you may consider extreme or kinky may be mainstream for your play friend.
Preconceived Ideas & Obligation
I like referring to myself as a slut wife and even being called a ‘dirty little slut’ by playfriends but I do not welcome any form of slut-shaming or judgement passed on my lifestyle choice. Needless to say, I only meet men who exactly understand what Hotwifing is about and champion my right to have sex on my terms. Just because I am sexually open does not mean I am sexually open to everyone, every time.
I’d like to think most men who engage in casual sex have a healthy attitude to women who take charge of their sexuality but if a potential play friend at any time makes you feel uncomfortable or pressures you to put out because he thinks that’s what you’re all about, leave immediately. You do not owe anyone sex and no one should make you feel guilty for having a healthy sex drive.
Coercion is just as insidious as not seeking full consent. For a Hotwife, this might happen through a sense of guilt or obligation to go through with a play date so as to not disappoint a Bull and/or her Stag. It doesn’t matter if the most expensive suite at the Hilton got booked: you’re the one who calls the shots. If you don’t feel like playing for whatever reason, you shouldn’t be made to feel like there’s something wrong with you.
Being a Hotwife does not mean that you’re always hot for it. You may have an appetite for extra sex outside of your marriage but don’t feel you have to live up to the expectation others may have of you. Much in the same way comedians can’t be hilarious 24/7, a Vixen isn’t always voracious. She is never, ever a sure thing. She may have taken you in all holes one night but that is not an invitation to assume you can do it again the next night.
Ask. Every. Time.
And learn how to say no if you really don’t want to fuck.