If You’re Gonna Send Dick Pics…

Some days, I wonder why I bother using Snapchat. In fact, I’ve had that many millennial males ask me why I’m even on it if I don’t wanna swap nudes. Uhh ok… Perhaps I’m twenty years too old to appreciate its appeal, but if the goal is to hook up via a surprise wiener Snap, then I think most guys are set to fail. Nevermind this Gen X Milf here; millennial females too are probably over the endless parade of peen.

Dick Pics
I knew I should’ve sent the version with sprinkles over it…

So this brings me to dick pics. As maligned as they may be, they do have their place in casual sex courtship. I personally enjoy them, but only after I’ve gotten to know the subject matter’s owner a little. That usually involves a proper conversation. Using proper words. In the case of dick pics, a picture is not worth a thousand words. The eggplant emoji can say the same thing to be honest.

Solicited or unsolicited, I can categorically say that most dick pics are uninspiring. Someone on Twitter summed it up perfectly: For most women, being sent a dick pic is akin to your cat bringing in a dead bird for you. We know you’re proud of your junk, and we appreciate the effort, but it’s not exactly what we wished for when that shooting star passed by last Tuesday. Regardez le following:

It is literally like this for many women, including me. Granted, there are women who looooove a good collection of cock shots but you’ll know because they’ll actually ask you to send one. Most of us don’t enjoy unsolicited dick pics, especially if you genuinely think that’s what gets us wet and that’s the sum total of the effort you’re going to put in to get to know us.

Sure, a very good dick pic can inspire us to reciprocate but a blurry POV shot of your morning glory? Yawn… So if you’re gonna send dick pics because you just can’t help yourself, then at least consider the following:

  • Accept that your penis is not the first or the last one a woman’s seen, even today. I know it’s very special to you (and so it should be – look after it!) but Farmer Joe thinks his cucumber is the best in the county too. You know, the long, green one in the pic? Again, refer to the above and think again.
  • If you are a male, she will assume you have a penis. Proof isn’t really necessary. Like the cat analogy, we assume cats can hunt. We just don’t need to see the spoils.
  • Ask if a woman would like to see your trouser snake but only after you’ve had a decent conversation to ascertain if there’s some ‘let’s share nudes’ spark between you. If you haven’t moved on from the weather, don’t flash the fun stick.
  • Be cool. And cheeky. Start with something like, “Hey, I can’t believe guys just send dick pics out of the blue. You’ll have to ask nicely if you wanna see mine 😜”
  • Women have an acute attention to detail. Have a think about what you’re snapping as a whole. Yes, your cock may be in shot, but so is the toilet (with the seat up…) and last night’s pizza. You had a Meat Lover’s with extra pepperoni? Yep, we see it all and assess you based on those details. We hope you have air freshener.
  • Be creative FFS! Do you know which cucumber pic actually turns me on? I love the one where the cucumbers are hanging on the vine, much like some non-erect cocks do, minding their own business. I also prefer the ones where hands are involved. Same deal with dick pics. Tell a story, other than that you have a penis.
  • If you aren’t sure what a good or bad photo is in terms of composition, lighting and all the other stuff that people go to photography school to learn, check out this Tumblr. Critique My Dick Pic gives pragmatic advice on penile photography. Yes, I appreciate you may not like looking at other dude’s dicks but you want us to look at yours? Grab a few tips!
  • Lastly, for the love of all that’s Holy, don’t send a cum shot, or even a hint of pre-cum until your first dick pic is well received. We actually enjoy the tease. A semi-erect penis is intriguing but yoghurt-coated banana? Not so much.


  1. well finally had to use Firefox. . This was a great post. My wife enjoyed it a lot. Tried leaving comments using Chrome and Explorer and got error msgs that the page had moved. Firefox seems to work

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