Reader Question: Feeling Left Out

“I convinced my girlfriend to try this Hotwife lifestyle. We sexted and played scenarios out and enjoyed it. We started by sending pics to a close friend of mine then I set it up for them to hook up. Afterwards, she sent me videos of what I wanted to see. When they finished having sex, I saw that they had a drink and talked about the lifestyle for about 30 mins. I lost it. I felt so lost and out of the loop. I felt not involved and felt as if I lost her. We have since fixed it and talked about it but now I feel I might have ruined the experience for her. I’m in jail so to me the sex part doesn’t matter. I enjoy what she enjoys. She looked amazing in the videos but I wanted to ‘get her back’ once they finished. Her talking to him afterwards made me feel like it was about them when the experience should have been about us. Did I overreact because they spoke for so long after?”

Feeling Left OutHey there. How you felt is not at all unusual but probably made even more unbearable by your unique situation of not being able to physically get involved. I know you mentioned that not being a part of the sexual activity didn’t concern you but your overall participation being severely limited would leave you feeling left out indeed!

As I wrote in the post Post-Sex Cuddling: Crossing the line?, just keep in mind that most women need to have some level interaction with her Bull after sex. It’s not about bonding but to have some time to ‘come down’ from a sexual high. Just think how she might have felt if your friend left as soon as he came? A little bit used. Only good for one thing?

Even if she could have shared the moment with you right away, it’s often how the date finishes off with a Bull that makes the whole experience positive. Especially being new to Hotwifing, it would have been important for her to have a normal conversation with her Bull. As much as you gave her your blessing to have sex with him, it still may have felt weird.

Also keep in mind that you set your lady up with your close friend. He probably wanted to do the right thing by you both and not treat your girlfriend like some random one night stand. If he’s a gentleman then he would have happily spent time after sex to chat regardless, before going home. The last thing he would have wanted to do was disrespect you or your girlfriend. In my book, leaving a Hotwife right after sex is disrespectful.

Your girlfriend will probably be a little hesitant to try Hotwifing again but if you are honest and tell her how you feel, I am sure she’ll want to give it another go. Try to accept that post-sex chatting is normal and perhaps agree to only film the sexual interaction. Maybe even suggest that you’d be more comfortable if your partner and friend get dressed and grab a coffee in the kitchen or a cafe afterwards rather than hang out in the bedroom or hotel.

Don’t beat yourself up too much though. This is totally new to you, and many newbie Stags discover that Hotwifing isn’t the best experience the first few times. At least now you know what your response is so you can manage scenarios to ensure you don’t wind up feeling left out.


  1. I experienced something similar with my shared wife. I was able to watch my wife flirt with her boytoy for a long time before the action started and it was hard for me to watch. We did talk about it afterward. It was key for her to feel woo’d by the guys she was interested in. So we decided that it probably wasn’t good for me to observe that closely until the action started. And I always feel better having put my feelings out there even if the solution isn’t exactly what I would want.

    • It can be very confronting seeing your partner with another man even though you may have fantasised it for a long time. You may not have expected certain responses (both hers and yours) and suddenly it feels less like a dirty porn and more like you intruding on two lovers having sex. I think unless MFM is an option, it isn’t a bad idea to limit what you see or hear about. Think about what it is that you want out of Hotwifing (it’s not all about your wife) and discuss it with her. Find ways to make the encounters satisfying for you too. Perhaps POV videos so you can see her having fun.

  2. Another great post, with a brilliant answer to a good question. Although not named in the post, the subject of the question is jealousy.

    I have struggled with jealousy in the past, and at some point it nearly cost me my relationship.
    When I suggested to my girlfriend that we should live out the hotwife fantasy, one of her first questions and hesitations was: won’t you be jealous seeing me with another man? But for me – and for the writer of the question, jealousy is not about sex , attraction or giving another person attention – it’s about feeling left out, being kept in the dark and not being a part of “everything” in your partners life. Which is completely irrational and at all desireable – I know.

    A few days after the second visit from our bull (which went great), my girlfriend told me she had a dinner “date” with a male friend of hers. I instantly felt jealous, since I was not invited and was not meant to be a part of it. The male friend is gay, he has not interest in women and is a long time friend of my girlfriend. So why would I feel jealous? The feeling passed and I didn’t react on it, so no harm done.

    The hotwife lifestyle has made me more aware of my jealousy, what it is about and what it is not about. And for some season, hotwifing has almost eradicated my jealousy and made me much better a handling it when it pops up.

    • Thank you. I avoided the word jealousy as I don’t want people to be scared of trying Hotwifing. Yes, I think jealousy can come into play (like with this guy and his partner) but the reasons why a newbie Stag might feel jealous will vary greatly. For most part, if measures are taken then a lot of those feelings can be avoided.

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