Reader Question: Is it Just Sex?

“Hi Emma. I am a huge fan. I am contacting you to get your opinion. I share my wife and that was my idea. It was very cool for both of us. It still is, but there is one guy she is meeting that I am not comfortable with. The first time they met, she did not tell me. That’s a rule that was broken. Allegedly they did not do anything. Then for the first real encounter as a Hotwife she spent the night over there. She brought toys and everything and was pretty much dominated by him. The second time was last week. She told me she was going to meet a new guy and she was not going to do anything because she was in her period. Last night she confessed that it was the same guy. Since she was on her period, the guy fucked her ass in a position that I always asked for, but she did it with him. This morning I called her and she told me she was going to do groceries, and I asked where. She traveled to his hometown and she decided she wanted to fuck him this morning. She tells me it is just sex, but my gut feeling says otherwise.”

Just SexFirstly, thank you! But on to the serious stuff. I lost count of all the red flags by the time I finished reading your question. My feeling is that you have seen them too and since you’re not a Cuckold, what your wife is doing is not sitting well with you which is understandable. I’ll go over each point of issue.

Staying overnight

I’m not sure if you meant that it was her very first Hotwife encounter or that it was her first play session with this particular guy, but either way, wanting to stay overnight with a Bull so soon is unusual. For me personally, even if I was allowed to have some solo fun, going home to my husband is part of the adventure. I want to sleep in my own bed with my own husband. There are very few guys I’d want to spend longer than half a day with, never mind the whole night and morning. Besides, I like maintaining the Hotwife mystique. No one except my husband needs to know what I look like the next day! 😜

I can accept that some women want all-night sex and there is the convenience of staying over if the Bull lives far away (and it sounds like this man lives in another town?) but her willingness to do that suggests to me that she perhaps has known this guy for longer than she may have said. Put it this way, I wouldn’t stay over at a random man’s house but one that I have met a few times already, I would feel better about staying with. I’m also inclined to think this is the case as she is…


She is consistently lying to you and breaking rules. Unless you’re a Cuck, a Hotwife should come to a mutually beneficial agreement with her Stag and stick to it. The agreement should be based on honesty and respect, which means there is no lying, at least not to the extent that your wife has been covering up the truth. Sure, I personally might keep a few small details to myself from time to time, and I have met a few guys for a social date without telling my husband beforehand, but I’ll be the first to admit that you tend to tell lies when you know what you’re doing is wrong.

I think this goes back to my suspicion that she has known this guy for longer than she has admitted. She is cock-struck by him and while she doesn’t want you to think she’s emotionally attached, he’s probably all she can think about. The fact that she is exploring the sort of sex that she hasn’t with you (toys, anal sex positions etc.) isn’t so much a problem (that’s why many couples try Hotwifing after all), but the lying is. She’s telling lies so that she can do what she (and he) wants. Alternatively, you’ve given her some reason to think that lying is best. I don’t know what your relationship is like or your individual personalities, so that’s something to consider for yourself.

‘Just Sex’

Saying it’s ‘just sex’ has become a pretty convenient excuse for when something has a lot more to do with sex, and it’s not necessarily an emotional thing. I do believe that your wife is mostly excited about this guy because of the sex but the lying suggests that she’s worried that her enthusiasm for the guy will upset you. If your wife knows that she can have sex with this guy but still lies about it to you, it’s because she’s worried about how you’ll react or she just doesn’t want her fun to end. Telling you that it’s just sex isn’t enough. She needs to clarify why she feels the need to lie about the details.

Do I think you need to worry? The problem with ‘just sex’ is that in the long term, it’s not enough. Someone will eventually want more. An ongoing Friends with Benefits situation is actually really rare: one party will eventually want more than ‘just sex’ and not necessarily with the other party. I feel FWB arrangements work better if both parties have other sex partners and don’t entirely rely on one person. This is why you’ll find that most Hotwives seek out more than one Bull for ‘just sex’. It is of course totally fine for a Vixen to want one regular Bull but the Stag should make some ground rules to ensure it is all indeed just sex.

At this stage, it’s time to tell your wife that you’re not happy and being told it’s ‘just sex’ isn’t enough to make you feel better about the situation. Tell her that you don’t appreciate being lied to and ask her why she felt she had to hide some details. I personally think you have the right to know more about this guy she’s been seeing and encourage your wife to explain how she met him. Is he clear of STIs? Is he using condoms? There are so many details that you should know about the man who is having sex with your wife.

If she is adamant that she wants to continue seeing him then you should lay down some rules, such as getting him to contact you about play dates or meeting in neutral territory such as a hotel. If this guy doesn’t agree then he’s being a disrespectful Fuckboy, not a Bull. He’s getting no-strings attached sex on his terms. You and your wife are being taken advantage of as far as I am concerned.

If your wife doesn’t agree to any basic changes to how you Hotwife, then you need to have a serious discussion about your marriage overall. Have a think about why you suggested Hotwifing in the first place. Was it to try and fix something? There’s no reason why you can’t continue Hotwifing but it’s probably best to start afresh and ensure that you are a more active player in the team. As I’ve always said, the Hotwife is the star player but she’s still in a team. As soon as you stop being a team, you’re no longer Hotwifing and your wife is just fucking like a single woman.


  1. She’s definitely taking advantage of the situation and the lies are to cover up the harsh truth. In my opinion she was seeing him way before she told you. The first meeting she said they didn’t do anything. You know her better than us but really? And the second date she brought a plethora of toys then she’s doing things for him sexually she don’t do for you and she spent the night w a guy she only met 3 times or so. I imagine he has power over her that you do not by now. Why else hide all this If y’all already have agreed and have taken part in the hot wife lifestyle? If she already has permission to have sex w other men then why lie now? Why all the sudden break rules y’all have been following? I’m reading what you have said I believe she is way more involved w this guy and she doesn’t want you to know because she’s afraid of loosing this guy all together and or the guy just has so much power over her she is now following HIS rules and not yours. If you don’t get this straightened out now it’s only going to get worse. I only offer my opinion. I know it doesn’t mean much but there’s is a reason we lie. If we go all out to make it look like a small lie then by that time it’s larger than advertised. I don’t participate in this lifestyle but it does intrigue me. However I read people very well. I sincerely hope this guy doesn’t cost you your wife. But it seems he has a tight grip already. Best of luck

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