Not All Men Are Bulls (And That’s OK)

I’m going to preface this post by clarifying my definition of a Bull. It’s not a term I use personally but it is the common term used in the Hotwifing scene for any single male who is invited to (and is willing to) ‘service’ a wife. While I may not refer to my own playfriends as Bulls, I sure the fuck expect them to act like one. So here’s my definition:

Bull: A man with the balls to take the opportunity to fuck another man’s wife.

Not all men are Bulls
She keeps telling me to look at her anklet…

This post is for a Tumblr reader who told me about a date that his wife had with a former workmate of hers. With her husband’s encouragement, she arranged to have a day trip with him to gauge the sexual chemistry and see if he could be her first Hotwifing experience. He told his wife that he was OK with any physical contact that might arise in the course of the date as long as she updated him.

Not having heard from his wife for a few hours, the husband started to feel a little jealous and left out. Eventually, his wife got in contact and told him that nothing had happened with her ex-workmate. Nothing. At. All. She had hoped that their date would end with a kiss and an opportunity discuss inviting him for a MFM threesome but the ex-workmate didn’t take the bait. Or didn’t recognise the bait, more likely.

Since then, his wife and the ex-workmate went on another platonic outing and the idea of having a threesome had gone out the door. Hubby asked me for advice on how to take an acquaintance out of the friend-zone and into the Bull-zone. He and his wife wanted to let things happen “organically and then bring the threesome stag/vixen to the table”, but it wasn’t to be with this guy. Not an uncommon story unfortunately.

If you’re not already bored of listening to me, I’ll tell you again that I am not a fan of fucking friends. The men I invite to participate in our Hotwifing lifestyle need to be on the same page as us from the very beginning. I only search for Bulls online through adult dating Apps and websites because I want to avoid the sort of misunderstanding and inaction that comes from trying to seduce a civilian, if you will.

Yes, it’s entirely possible to fall into an ideal threesome situation with that hot guy across the hall, but if I personally waited for that kind of organic opportunity to arise, I would never get laid. Hotwifing takes effort and so much so that for some periods during the year, I don’t meet any new guys as we’re just too busy with our regular lives. As much as I wish it were true, decent Bulls don’t fall out of trees for me to pick. Conversely, not all decent men are Bulls either.

There’s an underlying assumption that all straight men are DTF. I mean, who wouldn’t want to fuck a sexy married woman who has permission to play, right? Actually, you’d be surprised how many men find it uncomfortable, if not a complete turn-off. Initially, the prospect may look good on paper, but once the reality of the situation comes to light, a good percentage of men will decline the invitation. And these include men who are online looking to meet couples and Hotwives!

So the average Joe who may have only had vanilla sex with a handful of women in his life may indeed freak out over the idea of getting his penis out in front of a woman who only wants him for sex, and possibly also her husband who may have his own set of Stag demands such as taking videos. There’s no emotional safety net for the poor guy. If he’s dating a girl romantically, an episode of erectile dysfunction can be substituted with cuddles and kisses and other positive affirmations that he’s a great guy overall. If he fails to please a Hotwife? Ack!

A man’s ego is often tied closely to his sexual performance and virility. Not being able to meet the sexual demands and expectations of a Hotwife (and her Stag) may require extensive therapy to restore a man’s self-esteem. Given what might be at stake, you’ll excuse some guys for sticking to what they know. And there’s certainly nothing wrong with vanilla sex with a woman who might actually want more than sex from him one day.

A Bull is a Bull because he knows what to expect and what role he’s expected to fulfill. He’s not a machine but he doesn’t need emotional connection to fuck. He doesn’t care that a woman is married and otherwise unavailable. He respects her needs and he respects her Stag’s requirements. He can provide some post-sex nourishment if desired or he can get dressed in five minutes and leave if asked to. It’s recreational sex and he doesn’t feel guilt or shame for engaging in it. Once again, not all men are Bulls.

I do appreciate that many Hotwives and couples prefer not to search for Bulls online so if like my Tumblr reader, you are super adamant that a friend or acquaintance is ideal then here are some steps to take:

  • Firstly, if a man doesn’t have some remote suspicion that a married woman asking him out on a date is DTF, he may not be aware that Hotwifing is even a thing. It’s probably wise to suss out where he sits on the sex spectrum. If girl-on-top is as wild as he gets, move on. Some women like the idea of corrupting a sweet guy but I personally don’t have the time nor inclination. If you enjoy having your work cut out for you, go for it!
  • Be upfront. Sure, it may be awkward but three shy people do not a threesome make. Someone has to bite the bullet and it may as well be the Hotwife. You can be subtle and drop a hint. Say, “I’d love to have drinks with you one night. My husband likes me going out and having a good time.” He might just need to know that you’re not cheating. Again, if your guy doesn’t get it after that, he’s not built for the job.
  • What’s in it for the poor guy? And don’t say ‘sex’. Men can feel objectified and used too. Some may take issue with the idea of recreational sex. Some guys need the emotional connection, so you and your Stag need to consider if that’s the sort of guy you want to invite into your world. If you’re leaning towards polyamory then this may be ideal. If not, you may still need to offer a social and friendship based arrangement for some single men to get involved in Hotwifing.
  • Finally, while the freaky fun is between the Hotwife and Bull, it’s important that the Bull gets along with a Stag: especially if you’re coaxing a newbie into the mix. He would probably appreciate the assurance that the husband won’t go ape shit once the action starts, and for the straight single guy, he’d want to be very sure that no bi-male play is expected of him (many guys don’t know the difference between MFM and MMF). If your intended playfriend is keen but cautious, then arrange a drinks date for all three of you.


  1. This is quite possibly the best advice and explanation of things I’ve read on this entire lifestyle (I hate that term), starting with your definition of Bull. While my wife is one of those that prefers to choose from acquaintances versus strangers from apps, we have definitely had to navigate the waters of sussing out if a guy knows what the heck is going on. Thanks for the tips. I feel like this post should be Hotwife 101.

    • Oh thank you very much 🙂 Yes, I think it presumptuous to assume that any man is willing and able to play with a Hotwife. Many single guys are open to no-strings sex but of the vanilla kinda only. It takes a particular type of guy to engage in non-normative sexual play, and a very, very special man who can do it well and genuinely enjoy it. I guess that’s why they call them Manicorns but I hate that term more than Bull!

  2. As much as I appreciate the steps outlined in the end of this post, my opinion is, that fucking a friend is just not worth it. Unless you get a thrill of teaching an unexperienced wannabe bull what is up and down in the hotwifing game, my guess that you will be unsafisfied 99.9% of the times.

    Sure, the “organic” encounter is a great fantasy, but I think it is just that – a fantasy.
    Finding a bull/lover online, where matters can be ironed out long before a meet is imho the far better solution

    • I agree with you but I always go with the adage of ‘horses for courses’. Some people get off on porn-like scenarios of seducing the neighbour/pool boy/best friend. I save the idea of having a thing happen with a masseur for fantasy and concentrate on meeting guys online for actual play.

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