Reader Question: Is My Wife Procrastinating?

“My wife and I are planning a trip to the city for a casual night out and drinks at a bar. I’ve had this fantasy for years about seeing her pleasured by another guy. She says she doesn’t think anyone would try to pick her up. She’s never said never but she’s said it’d have to be the “perfect situation.” I told her that if she was approached by an attractive guy she should at least flirt. She said she’d do that.
Here’s my point I guess. She doesn’t want me actively trying to find someone for her. She said that a planned date would stress her out.  She said she would come closer to doing it spontaneously. She said spontaneous means “one never knows what might happen.” She plans to dress sexy when we go to see if she attracts attention. She knows I want to see and hear her pleasured and I’m not looking to hookup, it’s all about her. She’s also said she wanted me to watch and not participate because she said it’d be distracting and she wanted to concentrate on just one at a time.
I wanted your opinion on what I’ve shared, also I’m wondering if she’s saying “spontaneous” because she knows the chances are really slim that she’d actually be approached by the perfect guy.”

There would be countless of hopeful Stags-to-be who would just about donate a testicle to be in your situation. Your wife may not be on the same page or chapter as you but at least she’s reading the same book. I know you’re not complaining about your situation but it’s worth treading lightly so she doesn’t slam that book shut.

Yes, your wife is probably procrastinating to an extent, or she’s more or less placing a high fence between reality and fantasy for now. The only way she’ll scale that fence is if the right guy gives her a boost up. Unfortunately that perfect guy may never appear because in my opinion there’s no such thing where Bulls are concerned. I’ve got a new post coming up about that.

So why this fence? The fact that she thinks that a guy wouldn’t pick her up points to some confidence issues. It’s no doubt been a long time since she’s flirted with a guy. It’s easy to lose your game after marriage since in most cases, you don’t need it anymore. Perhaps your wife is worried about rejection and she’d rather not actively pursue being a Hotwife just in case.

Imagine. If your wife finally bites the bullet and picks out a guy at a bar and he doesn’t reciprocate the interest (for reasons unrelated to your wife), she is not going to want to try again. Only an experienced Hotwife with years of positive encounters on her belt can say “C’est la vie” and move on to the next prey. For soooo many other reasons, this is why I am not a fan of picking up in public. The unknown is not what one wants to work with.

I totally get that your wife doesn’t want to make that deliberate decision to Hotwife by going online and chatting to potential Bulls. I suppose once she says she’s interested, she’s committed: not to you, but to herself. It’s perhaps easier in her mind to keep the idea as a ‘maybe’ thing. There’s definitely safety in fantasy but at least you know that there is a part of her brain that is thinking about sex with other men. Yay!

So what’s going to tip her over or at least start trying to climb that fence on her own? I think all you can do for the time being is to set up situations for her to feel sexy and adventurous. If all you do for the next few months is to encourage her to dress provocatively and visit some bars, so be it. She needs to own it and be the one to proactively take steps to meet men.

Be patient and don’t spell things out loud. Just casually mention at the end of the date that at least two guys at the bar were staring at her. Keep things subtle and subliminal. Send her some photos of outfits that you think she’d look great in or ask her if she’d like to have a massage with the hot masseur at the gym. She doesn’t have to accept, but if certain scenarios push her buttons, she’ll be thinking about them all day. Trust me.

Until she feels ready to take that big leap, you need to gradually set her up to be the sex goddess that deserves to be worshiped by other men. It might take a good while to build up her confidence and desires, but it’s better than jumping the gun, getting impatient and making her feel like Hotwifing is your fantasy and her obligation. Patience reaps its rewards!


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