The Reluctant Husband

So far I’ve mainly been writing with the enthusiastic husband and his yet-to-be-convinced wife in mind but a while ago, a lady asked if I could suggest how she as a wife might be able to convince a reluctant husband to try the Hotwifing lifestyle.

reluctant husbandI have to admit that although it’s not uncommon for the female partner to be more sexually adventurous, I think it’s a little more challenging to get a male partner to change his views on sex and trying something different, if he’s already indicated his reluctance.

All’s not lost, however. Depending on why your husband isn’t keen to participate in Hotwifing, you may make him a Stag yet. I’ll keep this post short but each point I raise may be expanded into their own posts one day. I promise!

Jealousy and Possessiveness

I think this is the number one reason why most men refuse to share their wives with other men, and sometimes even other women. Sexual jealousy is a very complex, high-octane emotion and needless to say, it’s not a great place to be. We’ve probably all experienced it at some point and it takes a good deal of rational thinking to put the green-eyed monster back in its box.

If you are married to the archetypical jealous husband who detests other men even looking at you, you’ll need to tread lightly. He may have been culturally raised to revere monogamy, and therefore sharing you with other men will be viewed as a failing on his part as a good husband (ie – your only source of happiness and sexual fulfillment). Your wanting to have sex with other men will challenge his definition of manliness. He won’t consider for a moment that this is about your pleasure. It will be all about his ego.

As such, before suggesting that you’d like invite another guy into the bedroom, you’ll need to bolster your husband’s opinion about himself as THE stud. He needs to be assured that he alone can and does satisfy your sexual needs more than adequately. From there, you can start sowing the seed of possibilities. It sounds cliched but this is where porn can help put some ideas into your husband’s head. Watch some threesome or group sex porn together and gauge his reaction. He needs to understand that letting more than one person pleasure you is a gift given with selflessness and trust.

With a jealous husband, you’ll need to be prepared to put in the effort and time to unhinge his sexuality (and yours) from his ego. He may also do better with swinging first before moving on to Hotwifing right away. You may not get exactly what you want today but if jealousy is the obstacle then it’s worth taking some safe detours so you arrive at your destination unscathed.

Relationship Insecurities

If your partner doesn’t feel secure in his relationship with you then the last thing he’ll want to do is let you have sex with another man. Worse still, he may agree to Hotwifing because he’s worried that you’ll leave him otherwise. I don’t even think this is a healthy start to a Cuckold/Hotwife lifestyle either, but please refer to The Cuckold Consultant on advice about cuckolding.

Before you go Bull hunting, let’s make sure your relationship is super solid. Consider if the reason why you want to fuck other men is because you no longer wish to be intimate with your husband, but also don’t want to cheat on him either. Hotwifing shouldn’t be seen as a way to avoid uncomfortable questions about your relationship and a Bull is the last thing you need to distract you from the truth. If you are having marriage problems, then your husband is certainly entitled to feel cautious about Hotwifing.

On the flipside, I do think Hotwifing can help strengthen intimacy between a wife and husband and awaken long-forgotten passion and excitement. If your marriage is otherwise stable then I think Hotwifing can be trialled but with some safeguards in place. For example, agree to only see the same Bull once or twice to prevent any emotional attachment, and the Stag should remain in the same room to either watch or join in. Involve him in the process so he feels like Hotwifing is a shared adventure rather than something he’s signing the permission slip for.

Self-Esteem Issues

You can’t blame a man for feeling a sense of sexual inadequacy if his wife is gagging to have sex with other men. This feeling will be exacerbated if he’s already concerned that his penis isn’t big enough, or that he can’t last as long as his wife might want, or if, like a lot of us, he’s just not feeling his most attractive physically. Instead of seeing wife sharing as a sexy activity for both of you to enjoy, he’ll take it as a slap in the face if the subject isn’t approached with sensitivity.

Most active Stags are confident men who accept there are guys who are blessed with bigger cocks and have the stamina to fuck endlessly, much in the same way they applaud people who run marathons or understand quantum physics. Stags have a healthy self-esteem built on the things they are good at. What they can’t do isn’t an issue. For a Stag, you can throw all the 10-inch beasts at her but a Stag knows that his wife loves him. And why shouldn’t she? He’s awesome!

A man who didn’t get a visit from the Confidence Fairy will need to have his self-esteem boosted before embarking on Hotwifing. He’ll need to be reminded of all the wonderful and sexy things that made you fall in love with him in the first place. It’s paramount that he understands that he and his cock are not being replaced. A Bull should be introduced as a team player who is going to add extra pleasure for you. Focus on sex acts that require two penises so he sees the Bull as an add-on to an already sexy package.

Just be patient, kind and loving during the process of initiating a reluctant husband. It’s what any good wife would be.


  1. Interesting article. My question is what is your opinion on wives who show an interest in being with other men but are unwilling to let the husband be with anyone else under any circumstances?

    • Somehow this is apparently perfectly ok? There’s a lot about the “jealous man”, meanwhile the entire point of “hot wifing” is that the dutiful husband stays completely faithful at the wife’s demand. Seems weird.

      • Yeah… I think you’re thinking about the old school Hotwife/Cuckold style of Hotwifing where the husband lets his Hotwife do as she likes and he has to ‘put up’ with it (but actually loving it). Hotwifing has definitely evolved and many Hotwives have Stag husband who at a minimum acts as her wingman in getting laid. Some participate in the fun while others are happy knowing that their delicious wife is being desired and devoured by other men. It comes down to what gets a couple off. Most cuckolds are in their situation because they LOVE it… Some Hotwives need to be convinced to let their husbands be cuckolds. If a husband is genuinely unhappy about his wife having sex with other men, then it’s cheating. Plain and simple. That’s not a lifestyle by any means.

  2. How about the reluctant wife? My wife is turn on by the ideal and we do lots of role playing on sleeping with lots of other man she finds hot. Yet she refused to be a Hotwife in real life because she wants to keep our marriage sacred, she is afraid of what people would think of her, std and a bit on religious/social belief. How can I make her see it’s ok for her to be a Hotwife and still have a good marriage?

    • My blog has a lot of articles for women who aren’t sure about Hotwifing but it’s important to respect and understand your wife’s view points. You can’t change someone’s beliefs overnight. You may be better off meeting some swinging couples socially so she can see that a non-monogamous marriage can work just as well as a monogamous marriage.

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