Hotwifing Rules of Engagement

The other week, a Stag-to-be posed a very salient question to me which really deserved its own post: How much and/or how often should a Hotwife should engage with a playmate? This supportive husband wondered if daily interaction was appropriate to encourage sexual chemistry and fan the desire, or if it was excessive and likely to cause issues between husband and wife. A most worthy consideration for any new Hotwife couple!

Rules of Engagement
Sorry honey. Brad wants me to pick which shirt to wear for our date tomorrow.

I’ve reiterated on many occasions that there are no hard and fast rules where Hotwifing is concerned. Every couple needs to have an honest and open discussion about exactly what they want to gain from the lifestyle, and not worry too much about what’s right or wrong. The only thing I do recommend is for a husband to work out if he’s a Stag or a Cuckold, as that will largely determine the type of interaction a Vixen will have with her Bulls. In this post, I’ll cover the rules of engagement from the Stag/Vixen perspective. Cuckolding be a whole other world!

I personally do not have daily or even weekly contact with any one particular playfriend. That’s mostly by choice on my part but I also don’t have playfriends who would reciprocate that level of attention anyway. To be honest, I’d be somewhat wary and possibly turned off by a single guy who had the time and inclination to send me dick pics every day. I would also be concerned about the neediness or naivety of a man who engages with a Hotwife like a potential girlfriend. This is why I generally only play with guys who are experienced in Hotwifing because they know when to get in touch, and when not to.

However, that’s just me and my personal preference. Let’s go over some considerations to work out which rules of engagement suit you better:

Boyfriend or Bull?

Some Stags are happy for their Vixens to have a boyfriend rather than a Bull, and therefore accept more ongoing and frequent contact between his wife and another man. This is really a personal decision and the reasons why a husband wants his wife to have a boyfriend are manifold. There may be an emotional or social void that he wants to help fill by letting a semi-relationship develop. Perhaps it’s even a precursor to polyamory or an open relationship. In my case, I don’t seek either so I don’t feel the need to connect beyond sex with other men. However, if having a third party join you on a deeper level appeals to you, then it may be worth reading up on polyamorous relationships.

If sex is all that you want from a single man then I suggest keeping things as black and white as possible, especially if you’re very new to alternative sexual lifestyles. Emotional attachment can happen, so until you’ve got a better handle on things you should only contact a playfriend to arrange a date. An experienced Bull won’t be offended. If a guy insists on more contact in between dates because he otherwise feels ‘used’, then I recommend moving on. My husband doesn’t mind some harmless banter between dates, but he wouldn’t appreciate me investing too much of my precious time and energy on someone other than him. I’ve also crossed the line in the past so I’m wary of repeating mistakes. For most part, common sense prevails here too.

Fanning the Flames

While I do largely advocate the ‘just sex’ school of thought where Bulls are concerned, it doesn’t have to be all clinical either. Some contact between a Hotwife and her playfriends is more than appropriate and in many cases quite essential to build up some excitement before a meet. Even if I haven’t had contact with an out-of-town playmate for months, in the lead up to a date, we’ll exchange quite a few flirty and dirty text messages. There’s nothing like anticipation right? In fact, I would feel a bit weird jumping straight into bed with a guy without stoking the fire first. My husband actually likes building up some excitement and energy before a date so he thinks it’s more than fine to send some nudes to a playfriend in the lead up to hardcore fun.

I feel most single guys who regularly play with Hotwives or couples will know how much flirting is enough without overstepping the mark. In fact, some of my playfriends won’t contact me as they have their own rules of engagement too. I guess they feel it’s safer to let me initiate any naughty contact and thereby avoid any accusations of trying to white-ant another man’s wife. Having said that, I do like a playfriend who knows to check in on me from time to time. Yes, I’m a happily married woman but I do enjoy some unsolicited sexy attention from my side boys. I’ll admit that complete lack of contact by my favourite playfriends does affect my mojo. Fussy creatures aren’t we?

Communication and Honesty

If a couple decides to involve other people into their sex lives, be it through swinging, Hotwifing or open relationships, then a truckload of communication and honesty is a prerequisite. A Vixen can by all means have daily correspondence with her Bull if she wants, but she should be prepared to give her husband all the details. Of course, a Stag should trust his wife enough to not need those details either.

Both partners must agree that if any sort of interaction with a guy becomes intrusive to the marriage, then it must stop. Bulls should ideally know not to interfere with a relationship, but a Hotwife should also be prepared to put him in his place if he does encroach on territory that he’s not welcome in. If it’s simply easier to not have any contact with single guys other than to arrange a date, then that’s completely acceptable and no one would accuse you of being over-cautious.


  1. This was interesting to me because of an incident during the time my wife and I attempted to engage in the hotwife life style. We had just had sex with each other and we were enjoying the after affects when my wife picked up her phone and started looking at something and typing on it. I was getting up to get water and noticed that she had the kik messaging app up and was messaging someone. I asked casually if she was messaging a guy she was talking to for the last few weeks and she said no and quickly locked her phone. She then said she was on Facebook looking at her friends post. Knowing this was a lie I kinda looked at her funny and asked why she would say that? She then admired that she was messaging him. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her lying to me like that. I got pretty upset at the fact she would try to hide this. It kinda changed things as far as hotwifeing went for me. Having a hotwife was something I fantasized about for years and I thought that my wife was finally going to do become one when. After this we still tried and the expirence was a failure for other reasons. But this was kind of a water shed moment for me. The idea that she would lie to me about contact with a potential bull was a bit much. I don’t know if this normal or if this means I really can’t handle having a hotwife. Thanks for your article.

  2. Yes hello,My wife & I recently jumped back in to this experience.Upon finishing up a session,the bull kept asking about when exactly our kids would be moving out as she would then be home alone.The next day I politely asked the wife if she picked up on the insinuation,which she obviously did.We have since then broken off contact with with the new playmate.We saw it as sneaky ,arrogant,and insensitive.Is this common ? Did we react accordingly?Your thoughts please.

    • Hi there! Yes, you did the right thing. If this was your first experience with a Bull then that’s a really inappropriate question. Even a longtime Bull shouldn’t feel it’s his place to ask that. He may have been involved with Cuckolding couples before where he was possibly encouraged to take charge. Hard to say but hopefully he’s learnt that Stag/Vixen couples play by a different set of rules. It can be confusing for some single guys though so it’s good to clarify that you and your wife have equal say in how playtime happens.

  3. Hey thanks for the reply.This was our second time with this particular person.We have decided to look for someone new for our Stag/Vixen adventure.I love Your articles,they are so insightful.I’ve recommended Your site to my Love.I know she will enjoy them as I have.Keep up the great work.Have a victorious day!

    • Hi there! Glad you find the blog useful. I think it’s fun having a balance of new Bulls and regulars. If your Hotwife is anything like me, the hunt is also part of the excitement 😉

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