Sex and the Older Woman

Decades ago, turning 40 was considered a significant milestone: it meant that you were officially over the hill. The retail sector relished the opportunity to cash in on midlife crisis expenditures as both men and women scrambled to turn back time. As for turning 50? All you had to look forward to was downsizing your home and welcoming grandchildren. No wonder most people were decrepit by 70.

Older Women
Let’s all channel our inner J-Lo!

Blessedly, things are way different now. In the First World we’re living longer and we’re fortunate to have the technological, medical and scientific advances to look and feel younger (yes, I’m looking at you Viagra!). Today, 40 feels far from middle-aged and I’ll inch towards 50 with quiet confidence. It’s not fun getting older, but I know there’s a lot I can do to mitigate the various issues thereof.

So this brings me to discuss the mature woman’s sex life, which I feel is similarly much better now than generations ago. I can wholeheartedly say that I enjoy sex so much more now in my 40s than ever before. We’re generally viewed as being hot by simple virtue of being older, and most of us have had enough experience to know what we like sexually. The best part? Not having the patience to be polite about bad sex, so you better bring your A game!

That’s the outside perception of older women, but what’s happening on the inside? Are we indeed reaching our sexual peak at 40 or 50? I have to say that while there’s a lot of things that encourage older women to enjoy good sex, I don’t believe our sex drive miraculously goes up. We just value quality over quantity. From a biological perspective, we don’t really need to have sex anymore so if Mother Nature isn’t going to enable us, we have to look at other reasons to want to have sex and it has to be more than a sense of obligation.

Before we get into that, lets look at why an older woman may not want to have sex or have a diminished sex drive:

  • She’s busy. Women in their 40s/50s are often back to working full time but probably still managing the bulk of household work. Their children have higher demands with school and other activities too. Often, being a sex goddess comes last.
  • She’s tired. Women are having children later in life which means they deal with small bundles of energy while her own energy reserve is dwindling. There is indeed wisdom in having kids earlier but you know the modern woman’s story.
  • She’s feeling less sexy. Getting older isn’t fun and each time we look in the mirror, we visibly see the changes: wrinkles, grey hairs, age spots. It’s all very well to embrace that mantra of growing old gracefully but you gotta feel sexy to want to have sex! And grey pubes are not sexy.
  • She’s changing. If your partner is in perimenopause (can start in early 40s) or has reached menopause, then her body is changing. How she feels about sex will also change accordingly.
  • She’s done. If a woman has never enjoyed sex or valued it up until now, then overcoming all of the above obstacles to kickstart her sex life may seem like too much effort.

Assuming your partner loves sex and sexual pleasure, then there are ways to revive a flagging libido. The first three sex drive killers can be overcome with the cooperation of both partners. A woman needs to stop and know when to take some time out for herself, and her husband needs to help her make that happen for her. The tips covered in this post are applicable for the older woman too. For a woman to feel sexual, she needs to feel good about herself, inside and out.

Encourage your wife to do something fun for herself. It may be taking up a new interest or starting a training regimen. Exercise is super important for obvious reasons but being fit and active will boost the libido. Add a sexy personal trainer to the mix and well… Let’s say I wouldn’t miss Leg Day. Or Butt Day. Creative outlets are also important so a woman who is bogged down in routine might enjoy the benefit of thinking outside the box. It might help her be expressive in other ways too.

The last two obstacles I mentioned are tough. As a woman approaches her 50s, the level of hormones that generally get her frisky will start petering off. Eventually, she will enter menopause. Yes, ‘The Change’. I’m personally a while away from menopause but I am mindful of it and how it may affect my sex life. There’s a lot to deal with from what I have observed of friends going through menopause, so partners will need to have patience and try to understand the process. It’s not a trivial medical issue. It is indeed a change, and a big one. I feel this topic is outside my scope of knowledge so please refer to this article which has the patient hubby in mind.

I’ll write separately about the woman who is no longer interested in sex (or never was) as while there’s always hope, overcoming this major hurdle will depend on a number of factors.


  1. This post certainly resonates with me having gone through low libido with consecutive female partners over a 10 year period for a combination of reasons (worklife balance for one and major illness for the other). Combined with the onset of menopause for both during the relationships, it was and still is a challenge that has to be managed with a degree of sensitivity, self imposed abstinence and a reliance on self help!!

    • It’s a bummer alright! It sounds like you know how to make the best of the situation which does take the pressure off a woman. Thank you!

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