“I hope this message finds you well. I need some advice and I’m hoping you can help me. My boyfriend has been in the “swinging/bull/polyamorous lifestyle” for the last 10 years. I have always been into a little BDSM here and there. I’m not sexually promiscuous. I’m probably the only 30-something I know that has not slept with many people, mainly because I was married for a long time and my ex never touched me.
So here’s my moment of thought: my boyfriend of 6 months told me he wants me to be a Vixen and him a Stag. He knows I’m not ok with him being with other women. It’s a complete turn off for me and in fact I couldn’t be with him if he was. Then there is the issue of me being a Vixen. We’ve tried it once with my old FWB. It was different and hot, but I don’t know how I feel about everything. I’ve never done this before. I’m confused. I’ve opened up to him but he doesn’t quite get it. I fear he’s only being more loving because I’ve done this. What if I want to stop? Does that mean he leaves? What about if I catch feelings for another person? Clearly I’m worried I won’t be enough for him and I’ll end up heart broken.
I’m lost. This is very uncharted territory for me and I’m lost. Can you give me some guidance?”
Hello and big hugs for you. It’s OK to be confused as there are no hard and fast rules for Hotwifing or any form of non-normative sexual arrangement. You have to do what feels right for you, first and foremost, and then for the relationship you’re in. Let’s just break things down so you can focus on parts before working out what the whole should look like.
Firstly, as someone who left a sexless marriage, you deserve to play catch-up and explore all the many amazing ways to engage with other people sexually. It’s great that you have a partner who supports those explorations but he also needs to give you the stability and peace-of-mind of a loving relationship. He should leave you with no doubt that your relationship is his priority. The naughty fun you choose to have is just the icing on what should be a nourishing, firm, stable cake.
I think a six-month old relationship is fairly new and while I wouldn’t suggest that it’s too soon to be exploring sexual options such as Hotwifing, I’m not sure if it’s been long enough for you to feel that you and your boyfriend are a fully committed pair? I obviously don’t know either of you personally so I’d like to avoid making judgement based on generalisations, but I can’t help but feel a lot of the confusion you mentioned might be alleviated if you knew exactly where you stood with your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend sounds like a fairly experienced ‘lifestyler’ which means he’s probably well acquainted with the highs and lows of non-traditional sexual relationships. Perhaps he feels comfortable slotting straight into a Stag/Vixen lifestyle with you because he’s already been there and done that. That’s fine except that I don’t think he’s given you a clear game plan so you know what’s going on too.
Six months in, you deserve to know if your boyfriend is content to have a traditional relationship if that’s what you prefer. It’s best to be honest now and admit that you have some doubts about Hotwifing or engaging in any type of relationship that involves other people. He in turn should also be honest and tell you if he’s firmly set in his way and can’t imagine ever being traditional or monogamous. It’s a hard conversation to have, but it’s likely one you need to have before investing further into this relationship.
If your boyfriend is flexible in his mindset and can offer you a traditional relationship (some people can switch on and off), then it’s up to you to continue dabbling in Hotwifing if it genuinely interests you. Don’t ever do it for fear of losing your boyfriend. Clarify that you’re still in an experimental stage and reserve the right to call things off as soon as you know being a Vixen definitely isn’t your thing. That way your boyfriend can keep his expectations appropriately measured too.
Once you experience being a Vixen under the right conditions (ie – your boyfriend supporting whatever decision you make,) you’ll be able to better gauge if you truly enjoy the dynamics of Hotwifing or not. It may take a few encounters to work it out but there’s no hurry. Just treat it like a fun adventure for you and your boyfriend to bond over.